April 2017’s Nintendo Direct (In a nutshell.)

The first Nintendo Direct since the launch of the Switch was, in the nicest possible terms like a marathon of JML adverts.

If you aren’t aware of who JML are, they are a company that makes and sells all sorts of pointless 3rd rate gadgets for the home. You know, like universal plugs for sinks and 17 in 1 mop heads that fall apart after the first use.

As I watched Nintendo Direct all I could of was a Mobile without the phone feature. Every game they presented looked 3rd rate. Even Nintendo’s own creations look like shovelware.

This Nintendo Direct tried hard to promote “Arms” which is Nintendo’s latest effort at a new IP. What we saw, be it the game or the way they promoted it felt half-arsed at best. Arms looks like a Freemium game, except rather than being ripped off with in game purchases, you’ll just be ripped off by paying £50 up front for it.

I’m a massive fan of Splatoon but nothing about Splatoon 2 makes me want to care about it. The same Is true for Mario Kart. How the fuck am I supposed to care about a game I already have? No. I will not be spending £50 as well as the new charge to play online for what amounts to a £7.99 update of the original. Nintendo can fuck off.

As for everything else does Nintendo think I will be spending £300 to buy a console which is relying on over-priced mobile games that don’t run very well to differentiate itself from Xbox or Playstation?

The Nintendo Switch has not be on sale for very long and while the reviews of Zelda are very good that is the only good thing that can be said about the Switch. As a fanboy I cannot be a shill for a bag of shit. Nintendo, this is not good enough! I cannot look on the bright side of an half arsed effort. In fact as a fanboy I feel insulted that this is what I have to defend.

Sadly this sums up Nintendo. Take a look at the Nintendo Direct hash tag on Twitter. There is no real hype. There is no praise. All you can find is people trying to defend the indefensible. The Switch can only be compared to the OUYA. It’s the best comparison simply because it matches Nintendo’s cliff-like drop in quality and scale.

The Switch is offering us a bag of sub par games than run better on just about anything else. That not quite true because it also offers us a bunch of games from 5 or 10 years ago as well as a few new games no one cares about.

The Switch is looking a Mobile without the phone feature and a tablet without half the functionality. Worse it already looks like an outdated console no one will make a half decent game for. It must be a shock to Nintendo to learn after the Wii and Wii U that most developers don’t want to work with yesterdays technology.

If it’s not obvious by now, I am disappointed.  Fair enough, we have E3 coming soon, but will Nintendo really surprise us considering they shy away from E3? Are we really going to be foolish enough to put faith in them, again?

It’s the same story with Nintendo. The pot of gold is at the end of that rainbow, but we never quite get there do we? Nintendo, bless them, like to think they are the Disney of the gaming world, but in practice they can’t even match the imagination or drive of a 7 year old having a bash at writing his own comic.

Zelda, Breath of the Wild, took up almost all of Nintendo resources to make and they had to call upon a number of companies to help them. This is not good. Nintendo are trying to play with the big boys and we keep getting told Nintendo have loads of money, and yet one open world game almost took over everything?


It’s pathetic and I will not listen to any fanboy who wants to pretend they have 50 secret projects underway that will blow our minds. I’ve been hearing that since 1998 and it’s never came true.

Nintendo are living a dream wherein they think that just by magic they can win back 3rd party support and they can sit back and make fuck all. It’s obvious to anyone not making excuses for Nintendo that they should have learned a long time ago to forget about 3rd party support and expand their own efforts if they wish to continue making consoles.

Nintendo are on another planet. They are like Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on developer doors expecting them to convert to inferior technology. Like anyone REALLY wants to do that?

The Switch is a joke and Nintendo have stooped so low they are counting 3rd rate indie support for actual 3rd party support. Nintendo will have to learn the hard way that the abomination that was the Wii was nothing but a fluke.

I find it unfathomable the Wii has become the bar. It was a console people were fooled into buying and about 70% regretted buying. It only gathered dust. People want the latest technology. They couldn’t give a flying fuck about Nintendo thinks is novel and clever. Much like the developers who do not share Nintendo’s odd enjoyment for making the most out of yesterdays news.

I would shut myself up on that last rant if Nintendo delivered games that looked so fun I stopped care about console performance, but they did not. It didn’t even seem as if they made an effort to sell what they put on show. I couldn’t have been more bored. I’m not feeling much conviction from Nintendo in their own products. It’s like they don’t care. I might be able to care about Arms, but it’s as if they are finding it hard to make an effort so why should I?

Nintendo could be the kings of the console market. They have the IP’s, and hopefully they still have the expertise, but someone or something is keeping firmly placed in the land of mediocrity. Great gaming has always been about ambition and pushing the limits and Nintendo seems determined to be the opposite of that. Gamers do not agree and it doesn;t matter how much Nintendo thump their Bible, that is not going to change.

The Switch will fail. I just hope it’s not the end of Nintendo consoles. I really hope they learn their lesson quick. There is no safe space from Playstation. Grow some fucking balls and fight the good fight! Sack Miyamoto while your at it, we all know he is the person holding Nintendo back. He’s old, he’s living in the past, he shouldn’t be listened to anymore.



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